The holidays are often associated with family gatherings, familiar traditions, and quality time with loved ones. But for some people, the thought of spending time with family brings more anxiety than excitement. In the American Psychological Association's 2023 holiday stress survey, 22% of U.S. adults identified experiencing or anticipating family conflict as a source of holiday stress. Sometimes, the anticipation can feel just as difficult as the gathering itself.
Maybe it's the questions you know you'll be asked, the comments you wish people would stop making, or the conversations that seem to happen every time everyone gets together. Family relationships can be complicated, and the holidays don't automatically make those complications disappear. Fortunately, you can make choices that support your emotional well-being without having to manage everyone else's expectations. Here are five ways to protect your peace this holiday season.
Please note: This post is for education and isn't a substitute for professional care. If you need support right now, call or text 988. We don't provide emergency services.
Key Takeaways
You can decide what personal information you're comfortable sharing.
You don't have to participate in every difficult conversation.
Planning breaks and coping strategies ahead of time can help you respond when you feel overwhelmed.
Gratitude and family obligations don't mean you have to ignore your own limits.
It's okay to celebrate in a way that supports your well-being.
1. Know What You're Comfortable Sharing
Family gatherings can turn personal matters into group discussions. Questions about your relationship, finances, career, appearance, or plans for having children might come from a place of curiosity, but that doesn't mean you have to answer them.
Decide what you're comfortable sharing before the gathering and prepare a few simple responses. You might say, "I'd rather not discuss that today," or "We're keeping that part of our lives private for now." You don't need to give a lengthy explanation or convince anyone that your boundary is reasonable. You can be respectful while still keeping some things to yourself.
"Spending time with family during the holidays can act as a powerful emotional time capsule. Even when we have grown, established boundaries, and achieved personal or professional maturity in our daily lives, family holiday gatherings create a unique environment where old habits and deep-seated tensions easily resurface." – Cathy Moine-Webster, AMFT
Familiar family dynamics can also make it harder to respond differently than you usually would. Our article, Family Systems Theory: Why You Act Different at Home, explores why.
2. Prepare for Conversations You'd Rather Not Have
Some conversations are difficult to avoid, especially when relatives have different opinions or bring up old disagreements. Politics, for example, can be a particularly uncomfortable topic: in a 2024 APA survey, 72% of U.S. adults said they hoped to avoid political discussions with family over the holidays. Not every conversation needs to become a debate, and you don't have to change someone's mind to move on.
Think about which topics you'd rather not engage in and how you can redirect the conversation. A simple "I don't think we'll agree on this, and that's okay. Let's talk about something else" can help you step away without escalating things. You can also keep your answers brief or excuse yourself when needed. The goal isn't to have the perfect response to everything; it's to recognize when a conversation isn't worth your energy.
3. Make a Plan for When Things Get Overwhelming
Even when you prepare ahead of time, family gatherings can take unexpected turns. A comment might catch you off guard, a conversation may become too personal, or the atmosphere might start to feel overwhelming. Pay attention to how you're responding, whether that's feeling tense, becoming irritable, struggling to concentrate, or wanting to withdraw. If you notice these signs, try a grounding strategy, such as the ones in our guide to 5 Grounding Techniques.
It can also help to make a simple "if-then" plan before you arrive: If a conversation becomes uncomfortable, then I'll take a break or change the subject. Research on implementation intentions suggests that planning a specific response to a situation can make it easier to follow through on your goals. Consider arranging your own transportation, deciding how long you'd like to stay, or identifying someone you can check in with. You don't have to wait until you're completely overwhelmed before taking a moment for yourself.
4. Navigate Family Expectations Without Taking on Every Obligation
Family expectations aren't always spoken out loud. You might feel obligated to attend every gathering, continue certain traditions, reciprocate favors, or spend more on gifts than your budget allows. In some families, these expectations are closely tied to values like respect, gratitude, and reciprocity. While these values can be meaningful, they can also become difficult when you feel you have no room to say no.
You can appreciate what your family has done for you without agreeing to every request. Be realistic about your time, finances, and emotional energy before making commitments. If you can't attend an event or participate in a tradition the way you usually do, communicate that honestly. Gratitude doesn't require you to disregard your own limitations.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Celebrate Differently
Your holiday experience doesn't have to look like everyone else's. You might choose to attend fewer gatherings, spend less time with certain relatives, celebrate with friends, or start a tradition of your own. These choices don't automatically mean you don't care about your family. Sometimes, they simply reflect what feels manageable and meaningful to you.
It's also normal to feel guilty when your choices differ from what relatives expect. A 2020 study of 2,450 adult children in the Netherlands linked guilt toward aging mothers to mixed feelings, receiving support, and a sense of family obligation. Try to make room for those feelings without letting them make every decision for you.
You can value your family traditions while recognizing that you're allowed to do things differently. This holiday season, remember that protecting your peace doesn't mean keeping everyone else happy. It also means making room for yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions About Dreading the Holidays With Family
Is it normal to feel anxious about spending the holidays with family?
Yes. Family gatherings can bring up stress for many reasons, including difficult conversations, unresolved disagreements, or expectations. Feeling anxious doesn't mean you don't love your family or appreciate spending time with them.
How do I set boundaries with my family without feeling guilty?
Start with small, clear statements about what you're comfortable with. You don't have to explain every decision or get everyone to agree with your boundary. Guilt may come up, but it doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
What if my family relationships feel unsafe or abusive?
Your safety comes first. If you're experiencing threats, intimidation, or abuse, consider reaching out to someone you trust or a professional who can help you explore your options. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support and resources at 800-799-7233.
How Therapy Can Help With Family Stress at Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy
If family gatherings bring up difficult emotions or experiences that affect your relationships, therapy can offer a space to explore them and develop healthier ways of handling these situations. Depending on your needs, approaches such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy or trauma therapy may help you better understand your responses and build coping strategies. If you're reflecting on how your parents may have shaped your relationships, explore our resource on adult children of emotionally immature parents.
At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, our therapists can help you work toward greater self-understanding, healthier boundaries, and emotional well-being. Free 15-minute consultations are available. Reach out when you're ready.
Other Services Offered with Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy
We offer support for a range of mental health and relationship concerns, including anxiety treatment, depression therapy, grief counseling, and couples therapy. We also offer online therapy for clients throughout California.
If you are navigating family holiday stress as well as grief, we also have a one-time Navigating Grief through the Holidays group this November.
Explore our blog for more mental health resources, or visit our FAQ page to learn more about getting started.