What Is Codependency Anyway?
Editor’s Note: The following post is by Janell Cox, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy. If you’re interested in working with her, she’s now accepting new clients. Read her full bio and book a FREE consultation here.
Codependency has been a buzzword for a while and gets tossed around quite a bit. But what is codependency…really?
I believe codependency is not inherently “bad.” It is actually a form of co-existing in a relationship form or system (two or more people) that seeks balance. It is a natural response of over-functioning in relationship to an under-functioning or dependent person. In a partnership trajectory, you will experience many waves of depending on one another due to injury, illness, lack of employment, change, loss, or disability. This may ebb and flow and change roles over time, each taking turns to help and aid each other in time of need.
Codependency exists when these patterns become unconscious, insidious, and chronic, and especially when this form of over-functioning gets embedded into your sense of self and identity. People can either enter a relationship having had these unconscious patterns from childhood, due to having a dependent or under-functioning parent or sibling, or they form as a result of an ensuing dynamic within a new relationship, oftentimes as a result of an addiction to a substance or behavior. The natural response to addiction is codependency, as the addicted person is certainly dependent, not always on a survival level, but on an energetic, emotional, or psychic level.
In my work as a therapist, I have found that there is a particular personality type that is vulnerable to codependency, which I will call the “Pleaser/Perfectionist.” These types lean into pleasing in relationships and get absorbed into or obsessed with the “Other” instead of holding onto “Self.” In this personality type, most often, these people never learned to grow or nurture their “inner authority,” inner compass, or Voice of Truth.
This person, when codependent says, “I will make your truth my truth so that you will love me” sourcing their sense of wellness, usefulness, or love from the other, instead of from a Higher Power or Love itself. Yes, I said it: codependency is a spiritual crisis.
Loss of self is a spiritual crisis, as is addiction, pain, and trauma.
This pattern creates fear, on a primitive and primal level, to survive; because if someone doesn’t honor the truths of being a human being (earning money, keeping shelter, bathing, eating), then who will? Fear breeds all kinds of defenses like obsession, the need to blame or control, hostility, submission, suppression, anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame. It’s all just fear…not only around survival but around the greatest need we possess, which is to be loved and to connect.
This is not love though. Let me say this again: codependency is NOT love.
How do we heal? We learn how to get mad. Get pissed. Get the anger out. Get in touch with the fighter in you—fight for your Self.
This is what is at stake:
Who are you mad at?
Who exploited you or consumed your goodness, your innocence, your usefulness for their lifeblood?
Who stole from you, manipulated you, confused you, lied to you, or betrayed your trust?
Who forced you to hold them up when it wasn't your job to?
We have to get mad before we forgive and own. We need to go out…then in. Yes, it was you who bypassed your truth and authority, but somewhere, at some time in your life, it wasn’t your fault. When was this? Then you can own and take responsibility for how you betrayed you, how you abandoned you, how you lied to you.
These dynamics are insidious for a reason. They are tough to heal from and invisible, hard to name and recognize.
It takes massive courage, strength, and practice to recover. Let your pain and feelings be your guide to growth and understanding.
Here are your warning signs:
If you feel consumed with over-analyzing relationships, wondering what you said wrong or did wrong.
If you find yourself wracked with guilt or shame, or walking on eggshells
If you feel insecure, have low self-esteem, have a tough time making time for yourself
If you struggle with creating boundaries, saying no
These are a few signals from within to pay attention to. It’s near impossible to do this work alone. Get a therapist and ally to walk with you and be a stand for your true self. Enter into a 12-step program like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or Co-dependents Anonymous.
Fight for you, for your voice, your soul, your mission, and your purpose here on earth. Fight to be free, and to bring through all the wonderful energy that is yours by Divine Right that belongs to you. You deserve this.